Slash That Fat

Finally past the 280's. Hopefully I can keep this momentum up when classes start in two weeks (not to mention my birthday, which is that Friday. Luckily, I'm not going to be going out to a restaurant for it.)

Even though this is my first weigh-in post, this is not my first week since taking control of my life. Here are my full results.

August 08 2009: 279.0, -5.0
August 01 2009: 284.0, -5.5
July 25 2009: 289.5, -3.0
July 18 2009: 292.5, -12.0
July 11 2009: 305.0, Beginning Weight

Current Total Lost: 25lbs! It's time to set a new goal. 50lbs, here I come.

Greetings! It is time for us to talk, you and I.

My name is Bryan. I'm 20 years old, with my 21st coming up in the next few weeks. I'm a graphic design student in Texas. I am severely obese (at my worst, morbidly.) This blog is about the steps I'm taking to save my life while I'm still young. This is not going to be easy. I've tried before, but I've never had the drive or support that I have now.

Two years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder, meaning bipolar disorder that has depression and hypomanic episodes. The symptoms first began to manifest when I was in high school. Social situations made me tense, and I avoided them at all costs. I never even went to my own prom.

School was nearly unbearable. Not because of the school work; I found it to be mindless and simple. So much so that I only put enough effort into it to squeak by with a 3.0 GPA. I kept to myself, did not make many friends. There were many times I thought of ending my own life; I'd fantasize about it on a daily basis. There were times when I wanted to find help, but I kept my thoughts and feelings with myself, as I always had. I already knew then, that I was fat, and it only added to my feelings of complete inadequacy. I had the feeling that everyone was looking at me, judging me, laughing about me. Every time I heard laughter, it felt like it was directed toward me. I avoided people's gazes out of hope they would not notice me.

When I went to school in Arizona, my depression episodes became worse. I was alone, with no friends or family to help me. I would sleep for 12 hours or more a day, waking only during night. I would eat only once a day, and when I did eat, it'd be a huge fast food meal, because I was too tired to even cook. Needless to say, I ran out of money, and went back to the nest. Starting school back home, I fell into depression again, and the same habits began to manifest. When I became obsessed with suicide again, I finally decided I needed help. I went to a psychiatrist, and went through some medications until I found one that worked for me.

The funny thing about psychoactives is that weight gain is one of the side effects. I finally opened up and became a much more amicable person, but my eating habits from before stayed with me. I was drinking 2 litres of soda a day. Eating huge dinners, without any breakfast or lunch. My weight began to soar.

I just let it happen. I'm not making any excuses; this was my fault. "Tomorrow," I'd think, "Tomorrow, I will finally shape up and eat right. I will work out."

When you think like that, Tomorrow never comes. You cannot do something like that "Tomorrow." For me it was two years until tomorrow.

I had tried dieting before. Usually during my hypomania. The thing is, I believed I could still drink soda, or barring that, juice, on a regular basis. I'd try to do too much too fast, and when I ran into walls, I got depressed and gave up.

I'm not going to give up again. Nietzsche said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I am going to learn from my mistakes and become a better person from them. There are speed bumps, but there are no road blocks. I know this will be a long road, but I'm ready to change everything. I'm ready to be accountable for my actions.

Before I go, I'd like to share with you my inspiration for this blog. It is another blog called 344pounds. Even though I started this change before I found this blog, it has been an inspiration for me and I hope it can be an inspiration for you.